A Bird In the Pan

...Is worth two in the stomach. Chickens are strange creatures, having inspired their fair share of terror, culinary and otherwise. But the most infamous of all is, without a doubt, the roast chicken. Everyone's got their favorite. Your grandma, your uncle, your second cousin's uncle's best friend's sister, and probably you. Admit it: we are all obsessive about roast chicken. The skin has to be just so, the meat has to be perfectly done, and of course, there must be a battle to the death over who gets the drumstick. Brine it, bake it, whatever you will. I won't say that this is the single best way to prepare our favorite fowl, but it IS pretty good.
The hardware:
A roasting pan
Your oven
Your favorite meat thermometer. (But since, like me, you probably only own one, it would be your only meat thermometer)
Tinfoil
The software:
A roasting chicken (betcha saw that one coming)
One to two medium-sized onions, quartered
Six or seven large carrots, broken
Salt
Pepper
Olive oil
One bay leaf
Before we even start on this controversial topic, I must address the thing that is undoubtedly plaguing your mind: stuffing. "Where is the stuffing?" Well, it's not there! And it'll never be there. Stuffing is a veritable breeding ground for bacteria, and you'll have to sacrifice juicy meat for safe stuffing. It's bad for you, and the bird that it goes into. Bland, rock-hard dryness isn't exactly on my top ten foods list, and it shouldn't be on yours.
1. Kick things off by setting your hot box to 350 degrees fahrenheit. (that's 176.67 for you metric folks) Then, open up your chicken from its plastic cocoon. Like anything that's been shoved into a tiny space and frozen for extended periods of time, it's not gonna be pretty. Let the liquids drain out into the sink, and set the bird on a plastic cutting mat. Odds are, there's going to be a little pack of giblets (that's a funny word. tee hee.) tucked nice and safe up in the cavity, and you don't want those unless you're making soup.
2. With a wad of paper towels, pat your newly-emerged bird dry. It doesn't have to be shriveled up like a raisin, but dry enough that there's no... liquids. Dripping off it. Line the roasting pan with tinfoil, and plop the carrots and onions right on the bottom. This will make a nice nest for the roast, and provide an additional burst of flavor.
3. After placing the fowl in said nest, drizzle with olive oil to aid the browning, and season with salt and pepper. While you're at it, put the bay leaf into the cavity. Stick in the meat thermometer, and tent the whole kit and kaboodle with some more foil. Roast 2-3 hours depending on the size of your bird, checking the temperature every now and then.
Whatever you do: DO NOT trust those little pop-up thermometers! A pop-up thermometer contains a spring, held in place by a temperature-sensitive glue. When the glue reaches a certain temperature, it melts, and the spring pops up. At this point, most manufacturers are confident that the meat will be cooked to a point that is safe to eat, and somewhat edible. Just leave it be until carving time. (early removal results in a spew a juices)
4. When it's done, let rest for 15-30 minutes, and remove the bay leaf. It's given its all, and we don't want it in somebody's meal. Carve, and enjoy!

Mind Scrambler

Mmkay. Story time, everyone! Pull out one of those little carpet squares that you sat on in preschool. (What's the point of those little carpet squares anyway? Discuss in the comments.) Now, I have no idea if this is actually true, but it makes a great, totally-related-to-this-blog-well-not-really story. One day, there was a lady walking into a store, searching frantically for "chicken balls." The staff of the store tried to help her, but alas, they could not find any balls of chicken meat. As it turns out, her english was pretty awful, and she was looking for eggs! *cricket sounds*
Yup. She's doing another egg post! Oh, sure. You and every other person in the world think that you know everything there is to know about scrambled eggs. I mean, they're so simple. How could anything as easy as the perfect plate of scrambled require any explanation? Because all too often, germ-fearing cooks toast the poor little chicken balls, and the fearless fighters pour out liquidous plates of straight-up eww. So, in order to help those willing to believe, here is my all-time best method for no-fail eggs. (well, to be honest, it's more of a ratio. but bear with me.)
3 eggs
2 tablespoons of milk
Nonstick pan
Whisk
Silicone spatula
Nonstick spray (or olive oil)
Now, before you say anything, I know that I told you to use nonstick spray on a nonstick pan. And you will. And I also know that some of you might not be familiar with the epic win of the silicone spatula. So, for your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of one.

Got it? Good. Onto the prep. 

1. Lightly beat the eggs, then pour in the milk. Whisk until thoroughly combined, so you don't have big globs of white floating in your nice, yellow eggs. 

2. Put your shiny new nonstick pan over low heat, and grease lightly with the aforementioned nonstick spray or oil. Pour in the eggs, and stir constantly with the spatula until they just start to coagulate. What does that mean? It means little egg chunks floating in goo. Yum! :D 

3. Crank up the heat to high, and still stirring constantly, cook until the eggs are all solid, but not quite done.(just a little bit shiny) The trick when cooking any egg or egg product is to pull it right before you think it's done. The magical heat called carryover will take it the rest of the way! 

4. Then, just pour onto a plate and devour! 

I must say, the great thing about this "ratio" is that it's incredibly adaptable. I personally can eat 3 egg at a time. But you can halve, double, or quintuple this recipe depending on how many adoring fans you need to feed. Now, go find me some balls of chicken meat!

Recap:

In the comments: Discuss the actual purpose of those little carpet squares from preschool. I know most of my readers are older than I am, but I'd bet my blog that you sat on them, too.

Somebody email be a picture of ground chicken meat! I'll put it in the next post, and acknowledge the sender. 

Give us this day our raisin bread...

Raisins... Those little mummified grapes have often been denied serious culinary cred. Truth is, few Americans appreciate these purple powerhouses unless they're coated in sugar and followed by the word "bran," or slathered onto peanut butter and piled on a stick of celery. Has everybody forgotten about raisin  bread? Warm, soft, and swirled with cinnamon filling, it can be made into the world's best piece of toast, or, if you're impatient like me, torn right off the loaf and eaten straight-up. Too lazy to make up a batch yourself? Make somebody else do it for you! It's worth the effort, believe me.*
To begin: assemble the software.
1/2 cup milk
1/3 cup warm water- 110 degrees F or 45 degrees C. Thermometer broken? Lent it to neighbors who never gave it back? No problem. 110 degrees is just barely above body temperature.
1 1/2 teaspoons active dry yeast
1 egg
2 tablespoons and two teaspoons white sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons and 2 teaspoons butter (softened)
1 cup raisins
4 cups all purpose flour
2 teaspoons milk
1/4 cup white sugar
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 stick butter (optional, but highly recommended)
2 teaspoons melted butter

Flour and non-stick spray for pan dusting

Okay, now. Stop hyperventilating! Yes, it's a long list. Calm down- if you are a loyal MadChef reader, you already have all these in your pantry. Not a loyal reader? You should still have these in your pantry, or whatever you have that kinda passes for a pantry. Other hardware: stand mixer with whisk and dough hook attachment, and a loaf pan.
Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start:
1. Warm the milk in the microwave (or a saucepan, if you want to clean one out) until it bubbles, and then remove from the heat.
2. Dissolve the yeast in the warm water, and let it wake up. A few notes here: The water does have to be within 10 degrees of 100 degrees F. A few of you out there might be whining "Whyyyy, Sam? I don't want to go out and spend seven dollars on a thermometer. The yeast will be fine either way." They won't! At cold temperatures, the little buggers go to sleep, and above that, they go to sleep permanently. The yeast themselves also have to be measured. I use 1-pound bags of the stuff, which is cheaper in the long run. It demands volumetric measurement, which keeps things nice and consistent. But if you're not willing to make that investment (which isn't much!), you can use those little packets they have at the supermarket. Just measure it out for this recipe! Those packets contain 2 1/4 teaspoons of yeast, which would be too much.
3. When the yeast is frothy, pour in the bowl of your stand mixer, equipped with the whisk attachment. Mix in the butter, eggs, sugar (the first portion only! we need that quarter cup at the end of the list for something else.), salt, and raisins. Add the flour gradually, until the dough becomes stiff. Depending on the moisture in the air, the four, ect., you may not need to use it all.
4. Knead the dough on a lightly floured surface. I used a large cookie sheet; it contains the clutter, and it's quite useful later on in the process. Place in a large, oiled mixing bowl covered with a damp cloth, and allow to rise in a warm place for about an hour, or until doubled in size. Dough doesn't double? Don't despair. Pull it after two hours, no matter what you see, hear, or think is going on in that bowl.
5. While that's rising, mix the quarter cup of sugar with the cinnamon and butter. The butter, as I said, is optional. Pull the ol' cookie sheet back out. Flour liberally, and roll the dough out on the cookie sheet until it roughly covers the bottom. Wet the dough with the milk, and spread every ounce of the filling over the top. Roll up tightly, and let that roll rise either in a warm place for an hour, or in the fridge overnight.
6. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. At this point, your dough should be nicely risen. If needed, cut the roll to fit your loaf pan. Flour and dust the pan(s), and bake for 45 minutes, or until nicely browned.
When these luscious lovlies come out of the oven, you'll be tempted, very tempted to dig right in. I'm telling you: resist that urge! The protein structure needs time to set. Cut in while the loaf is even the tiniest bit warm, and it'll sink down and result in a mushy, dense loaf. How do I know? Trust me. I know. What you can do is brush them with some melted butter right after they come out of the oven and are nicely situated on a cooling rack.

*In general, don't believe anything I say. Kidding, of course. :D 

Whoa! A new post!

I'm baaack! You may now re-tape the black paper to your screens.

Candy: the pinnacle of sugar highs and finger foods. Sadly, most of these ethereal edibles have been degraded to mass-produced, sugar substitute packed, neon bricks. But the hardest hit are the basics: those little things that those big producers think you're too stupid to make yourself. Join the battle- we have cool hats.
This recipe for hard caramel doodads is a good starting place for the beginning sugarworker. It makes hard, strong flavored caramel candy that is much better on ice cream than by itself. The best part? There is no set recipe, so you can make as much or as little as you want. And here, my friends, is the magic formula:
2 parts (I used cups) granulated sugar
1 part water
and
1 tablespoon corn syrup
Whatever you do, don't skip out on the corn syrup. It's a powerful anti-crystalizing agent, and will keep you from getting a grainy desert.
Now, here are the instructions. Learn them. Live them. Love them. First, mix all your ingredients into a delicious goopy mush. Put over high heat, and boil without moving or stirring the pan until the bubbles are slow and stacked. For those who don't trust their eyes, a candy thermometer will read 340 degrees Fahrenheit, and the sugar will be at the hard crack stage when it's ready. Here, you have two choices. You could just mix it in this state with some peanuts, pour onto a well-lubed baking pan, and make peanut brittle. Or, you could take it to the next level.
Pull the sugar syrup off the heat, and use a clean metal spoon to slowly stir until the syrup falls in a continuous stream. At this point, you should have two inverted baking sheets topped with that parchment paper I know that you have. It costs like three dollars, people. Holding the spoon above the paper, drizzle the sugar into little lacy patterns. When they cool, you can simply lift them off of the paper. If you really need to impress someone, place it on top of a scoop of ice cream on a nice plate.
But the fun doesn't end there! You know those chocolate molds in the back of your cupboards that you never use? Even though you think that you don't have any, check. I'd bet my left arm that you do. Butter those, and you can pour the slightly cooled syrup in. They will retain the exact details of the mold, and make some nice pretty candy.
So, go forth and find me a battle hat!

Waffle Time!

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  Waffle time, it's waffle time, will you have some waffles of mine? Waffles are great. Really. Their uniqe shape means that the waffle has more outside than inside! And here's the waffle's real claim to fame (at least to us nerds) One day, a US man figured out that the trick to making great shoes could lie in the interesting physyology of the waffle, and poured liquid rubber into his wife's waffle iron. He named the shoes after the goddess of victory- Nike. There you have it- ridiculously overpriced shoes would never exist without our humble fluffy friend. 
  But seriously, this common baked good has fallen from grace. It's been relegated to frozen floppy things flavored with yummy catalyzed polymeriztion! Know where I just saw that word? The side of a paint can. Here is a shiny new recipe for fluffy, yummy waffles with no polymers. 
  
   1 3/4 cup flour
• 2 teaspoons baking p owder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 3 eggs
• 7 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 1 1/2 cups milk

Mix all the dry ingredients in a large bowl. Like, the second largest you have. (I say second largest because I know people whose largest bowl could be mistaken for a satellite dish. But hey, who needs all those channels when we youtube have cat videos?)

Separate the eggs, and use your electric mixer to beat the whites to stiff peaks. Like weebles, stiff peaks wobble, but they don't fall down. In a smaller bowl (not small, but smaller.), beat the yolks, and then beat in the oil and milk. Then, mix that into the dry ingredients (whisking, please!).

Now we come to the waffle dilemma: mixing the light, airy eggs into the dense, heavy batter. How to solve it? Well, you might want to call on your fourth grade teacher. Why? Fractions, my friends. Divide the eggs into thirds. Stir in the first third as quickly as possible- this step is not about folding, you just want to lighten the batter for the eggs to come. Then add the second third (second third? wow. i need better words.) and fold it in. Repeat with the last of the eggs. 

At this point, your waffle iron should be heated up. You did heat the waffle iron, right? Good job. Use a spring-loaded ice cream scooper to put two scoops of batter into the iron, close, and wait. When it's done, remove with a fork and enjoy. :)

Do you know the muffin man?

MCAS.
M Massachusetts
C hild
A buse
S ystem.
(actually, it's Massachusetts comprehensive assessment system)
I have this lovely torture on Wednesday, and, like every other person who's taken it, I was dragged to several meetings in an attempt to get us students "exited' and "ready to learn." Along with the other usual rants, the things that comes up over and over again is "eat a  good breakfast." A "good breakfast" is muffins! Not mini-muffins, big, huge, fluffy things coated in butter or cream cheese. You can make them the night before and warm up in the morning so that you have something to munch on. Here is my new favorite recipe for basic muffins:
2 cups flour
3 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup sugar (don't worry, I need those calories)
1 egg
1 cup milk
1/4 cup vegtable oil
1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
2. Stir together all the dry ingredients in a big bowl. Why? Because now you need to make a well in the center. Don't just sick your spoon in and think it's okay, because it's not. (I learned the hard way- I made this twice in 20 minutes.) Push the dry stuff all the way up those bowl walls, and leave to do something else.
3. Something else: Lightly beat the egg, and mix in the milk and oil. Pour those down the well in the dry stuff, and mix. It is imperative that you impeccably use the implement to integrate the ingredients instantly. (try saying that one time slow!) Overmixing is the key to a bad muffin! But don't undermix, or your muffins will have dry flour pockets in them. Gross.
4. And now we come to the fork in the road. Pick it up! It might pop some tires. It really dosen't matter wether or not you use muffin cups. As long as you grease the pan well, you'll be fine. But, If you must have the classics, they have ones with bunnies on them!
5. Fill the cups all the way (yes, all the way. you won't get quite as many as you normally would, but they'll be nice and big.)Put in your hotbox for 25 minutes, or until a toothpic placed in the center comes ou- let's stop here. I have always had a problem with the toothpick theory. It essentially asks you to stick your head into a 400 degree metal box while forcing a small stick into a place that won't leave gaping holes in your baked good without touching anything in the oven. It just doesn't work! Try this: use a skewer. The bamboo kind you use for barbecue! They're long, thin, and require much less entry into the oven. And it works!
This is a recipe for plain muffins, and for some, plain just doesn't cut it. Thankfully, this recipe is also adaptable for any number of add-ons. Try bacon and cheese! (I like orange cranberry muffins the best) Now you can go forth and be tested and tortured with a full stomach. :)

Absolutely not a witty title related to applesauce

Who doesn't love apple sauce? A better question- who loves searching those little plastic cups in the grocery store for the one super-organic package of zero-sugar noxious hippie chow that your children will not trade to a classmate for a half-eaten melty candy bar? Nobody. You can make apple sauce, but then you'd need to get out the big pot and simmer for 2 hours and mash it up with a potato masher, right? Not necessarily. Here are my very vague instructions:

The ricer method:

Peel, core, and rinse as many apples as you think you will need. Cut them in half or even quarters for large apples, and leave small ones whole. Bake or microwave until soft and warm, and send 'em through your friendly neighborhood ricer. No ricer? No problem.

The microwave method:

Peel and rinse the apples, then cut in half using a heavy chef's knife. This method does not work for the ricer because you need the round shape for maximum squishing, but here is my magical trick for washing less fruit and get the seeds out at the same time: use a metal teaspoon to scoop the area around the seeds out. This leaves you with a lovely little circle that you can use for, well, nothing really. Throw it away. Roughly chop, microwave in a microwave safe bowl, and cook on high for 3-5 minutes or until soft. Sorry, but this time, you do need the masher. Mash away at the apples, finish with cinnamon, and be done.

With both methods, you get minimal effort applesauce that's actually good for you! You can eat it for breakfast, or top with a generous helping of ice cream. Also for breakfast. And now, I patiently await the end of the Monday curse. :)