iPie

I love my pug, Beatrix. She's my most willing food tester, and enjoys eating everything I make, edible and otherwise. :)
There are a lot of pocket-sized things these days. You can carry in an iPod touch a computer about a million times more powerful and about 1/1,000,000,000 times smaller than the Mark I. (or II. whatever.) But you know what isn't usually pocket-sided? Pie! The divine device known as the pasty or pocket pie was born out of the genius minds of American slaves, Chinese peasants, or Cornish housewives depending on who you ask. It uses a little bit of food, a little bit of filling, and a little bit of fuel, making it the perfect cheap, (seemingly) easy treat. Alton Brown came up with the best description: "As my gramma used to say, poor people workin' food."
Here's AB's recipe:
2 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
3/4 teaspoons salt
6 tablespoons cold cubed butter
3/4 cup milk
1 egg mixed with 1 to 2 tablespoons water
1. Sift together all dry ingredients, making sure to wear safety goggles to prevent projectile flour throwing. Cut in the butter with your fingers, and use a wooden spoon to mix in the milk. Looks familiar, huh? This is almost the same procedure we used for the biscuits. But there's a bit of a twist.
2. Roll and knead out the dough 15-20 times. This time, we want gluten to provide 2 seemingly contradictory traits: flexibility and strength. Roll out thin with a rolling pin, and cut into 2 1/2 inch rounds. Stack these rounds up, and then roll each one into a thin circle about 5-6 inches wide. While rolling their buddies, you can stack your newly formed discs in between layers of waxed paper.
3. Prepare filling. You can use anything from leftover beef stew to blueberry preserves here, so be creative. Just do not use anything excessively wet, or the dough will get soggy.
4. To fill: place 1-2 tablespoons of your filling in the approximate center or the round. Dab a little egg wash onto half of the circle, then fold the non-egg half over, and seal. Use a fork to crimp it closed, being careful to roll it onto the dough rather than slice through it. Take a clean pair of shears, and make 2 little snips on top to act as a steam vent. (there are no written records of exploding pie, but let's try not to change that)
5. Line the pies up on an ungreased baking pan, and cook for 25-30 min. at 350 degrees. They won't be very brown, but will puff up slightly and become firm.
6. Once they come out of the oven, move to a cooling rack, clean up your mess, and enjoy.
There are other ways to cook these (ie pan frying and deep frying) but I do not have enough oil to deep fry, and my pan fried ones burnt. Badly. Feeling adventerous? Here are Alton Brown's instructions for this recipe:
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/pocket-pies-recipe/index.html
Alas! The monday curse continues today. But in a few hours it will be tuesday! Yay!

Corned Beef ≠ Beef + Corn

Guess what? In observation of the anniversary of Babe Ruth's first professional home run, I'm making corned beef! Not really. But I am making corned beef. The lazy way. These days, you can usually go to your local mega-mart and pick up a pre-brined, ready-to-go, vacuum sealed hunk of delicious cow product. You don't have to know how to do anything with one of these, and all you need is insane patience. Here are the simple steps:
1. Purchase aforementioned cow product
2. Place in wide-mouthed vessel with tight-fitting lid. You could probably use a slow cooker for this too, but I have never done it myself.
3. With the cow product in the pot, add just enough water to cover.
If, like me, sometimes your water tastes like the pool at the Y, I suggest purchasing a filter.
There are 2 basic models: pitcher and sink. Pitchers just need to be filled with water and stashed in your chill chest until needed. A little filter inside filters the water as you pour it. I have a sink-top device, which screws onto the sink and filters when you turn the knob. It has 3 convenient settings: normal water, spray, and filtered. Normal, as the name implies, simply flows through a metal grate like the one on the sink usually has. Spray is like the sprayhead hose you have on the side of the sink; very good for dishes. The filtered setting is the one that actually filters the water, and it comes out in a thin stream. You do not want to run hot water through the filter, as it could damage it.
4. Bring to a boil over high heat, and then turn to low for 4 grueling, annoying, horrible hours of waiting. Use the time to read a book or something. I had play practice today, so I was able to skip out on the waiting.
5. Some people like to boil their potatoes and cabbage right in the pot with the meat, but I personally don't. You can do whatever you want.
6. When it's all done, pull out your delicious meat and let it sit for at least 15 minutes. If you didn't, you'd burn your mouth! And the juices need to regroup a bit, too.
7. When it comes to slicing, you have two choices: against the grain or with the grain. Against is certainly the tradition, but with the grain offers a lower risk of disintegration. Again, your choice.
8. Serve alongside some boiled greens, and you've got the lazy man's irish dinner.
Wondering why there's no pictures? We ate it so fast that I forgot! This is a great, low-maintenance weekend dish. Granted, the pre-brined meat is a deviation from the norm, but you don't need 3 pounds of  salt and half you fridge space. Give it a try. It's not fast, but a good, slow-cooked dish the night before work or school is better than wolfing down a stale granola bar and glass of milk while finishing up your 3rd quarter projection analysis spreadsheet. Then you wake up in the morning realizing you fell asleep working on said spreadsheet, and skip breakfast to get it done. Then you lose the power point, and you know the rest. Bad monday. But who knows? Maybe taking time to turn up the ol' flavor knob to 11 will inspire you to abandon you pop tart in favor of some good scrambled eggs. Yum!

**Thanks for keeping this site alive for its first week!**

Don't eat my baby!

Ever had a dutch baby? If you haven't, you missed out! It's essentially a huge, overgrown popover baked in butter and sprinkled with powdered sugar and lemon. They're easy to make, and even easier to eat! Try this out for sunday breakfast (because I assume most of you don't log on at 7:30 in the morning to read this):

3 eggs

3/4 cup flour

3/4 cup milk

1/4 cup butter (does not need to be chilled, but should not be room temperature. just take it right out of the fridge.)

1. Prepare all your ingredients into little bowls, cups, whatever. Because as soon as the oven turns on, the dutch baby train aint-a-stoppin'. Place the butter into a 2 quart glass baking dish, or a heavy cast iron skillet if you have one. Stick it in the cold oven, and then preheat to a warm, toasty 425 degrees. 

2. Get your blender, and whip the eggs until well blended. Add the milk, and mix again. Then, slowly add the flour. YOU MUST do this slowly unless you completely trust your bender to break up 3/4 cups of flour and be entirely lump-free. I don't trust my blender. 

3. As soon as the oven is preheated, take out the pan (being careful of the spattering oil, please) and pour in the batter. The butter will go up around the sides, and possibly run over onto the top. This is ok, even good. It will make a DELICIOUS buttery crust.

4. Bake for 25-30 min., and get out whatever you think will taste good on top. When the timer goes off, pull out your creation and let it rest. Yes, it has to rest. Why? Our batter is filled with itty bitty bubbles. As it cooks, they are essentially smooshed into one big über bubble. That makes your pastry into a giant balloon, and when it deflates, it leaves a nice, yummy, custardy, crispy edible bowl of deliciousness. Or a circle for you lucky cast iron skillet people. 

5. Slice, and add toppings. For one pan, you can expect to get about 6 slices. Yes, they are huge. Yes, they will be covered in carbs. Yes, they are the best ting you have ever eaten. The classic is certainly powdered sugar and lemon juice, but jam, honey, fruit, and syrup work very nicely too. 

I found my camera cord, so here are some pictures for those of you that have never seen one of these fluffy joy rectangles:

I made the batter using a hand blender and a big bowl, and found a really great trick for cleaning it off. Our hand blender is really old, so you can't take the shaft of of the electrical components and stick it in the dishwasher. Scrubbing it is a pain, so I got a tall plastic cup and filled it about halfway with hot water and soap. I cut a hole in the bottom of a big plastic bag, and stuck it over the top of the blender and pulled the cord through. Just turn it on (the bag makes a nice splatter shield), and it gets nice and clean. 

Grape Fruit, Baked Fruit. Wait- what?

Yup. Baked grapefruit. Not lying. While some people don't fully appreciate this humble yellow orb, those that do often only sprinkle a little sugar on top (or none at all) and eat while watching infomercials. (can you believe that my spellchecker recognized informercial?) I was leafing through our family copy of the New Doubleday Cookbook, and found a recipe for baked grapefruit. It said: Halve grapefruit, dot with butter and sprinkle with sugar. Bake for 30-40 min. at 350, and baste occasionally with pan drippings. Way to be specific, cookbook. We have a few grapefruits in the fridge, so I decided to whip this up.
There weren't many more instructions than what the big fat book gave me, so I took a few liberties. Here's how I did it:
1. Preheat oven to 350
2. Slice 2 grapefruits and place cut side up in a glass baking dish
3. Slice off about 1 tablespoon of butter from that big 'ol stick in the fridge. Why the about? Because every grapefruit is different and you may need more, or you many need less. I needed less.
4. Shave off thin slices (not wafer thin, just thin) and cut in half. Dot the top of each half with the butter, and then sprinkle on a pinch of sugar.
5. Bake for 30-40 min., basting occasionally with the drippings. Or should you? Mine were very stable, and almost nothing dripped.
Now comes the challenge of eating. When I dug my spoon in, a few juice sacks and some liquid resulted. The taste? A warm grapefruit soup. Not very impressive. Mine could have been improved with a heck of a lot more butter and sugar. There were no drippings, so I think that there should have been more melted butter. If there were, the sugar would caramelize and the liquids would be a yummy sauce. But I did it wrong. Here's what I think you should do:
1. Follow my steps one and two
2. Cut 2 tablespoons of butter from the stick
3. Cut the butter into 4 equal parts (yes, one for each half. for you measurement fans, 1/2 tablespoon butter per fruit). Cube the parts, and dot over the fruit.
4. Sprinkle 1 teaspoon of sugar over each half, and bake 30-40 min.
5. Baste the inevitable drippings occasionally
6. Take out
7. Eat
How to eat? I have no earthy idea. I just scraped it off the sides, and it suited me fine. If you make this and find a better way, please let me know! As of right now (4:02 p.m.), one of my prepared halves is in the fridge to see if they undergo some magical fridge transformation. This was a fine experiment, but as for me, I'm going back to the store to get some more grapefruit and infomercials. I think you can get those at info-mart, right? I encourage everybody to try this and not fail epically as I did. But hey, we can't all be perfect chefs all the time. :]

Arty Chokes 2 For $1.00

Today, my principal came over to our lunch table and told us a joke. You know, the kind where it's clever but not very funny? One of those. Here it is: There was this guy named Art. He went out, and choked this guy to try and get his money. The guy only had 50 cents. He chokes another guy, and he only had 50 cents. The newspaper headline the next day? "Arty Chokes 2 for $1.00." Get it? Yeah, I do too. Cue awaked pity laughter.
Why the corny joke, you ask? My friend and I were discussing artichokes when he happened by. We have decided that there is no better way to eat them than straight up and dipped in melted butter. Yum! I had my first artichoke a few weeks ago at my grandparent's house, and it was good. I had another one lsat night, and plan on eating the leftovers today. When cooked, the thing looks (and smells) like a gym sock. But the taste? Epic. I don't think that my siblings will ever try one, but they should. Most people can cook an artichoke, but just in case you can't, here are my cooking and eating instructions:
1. Procure an artichoke
2. Get a large, wide-mouthed vessel with a lid (a.k.a pot), and fill with a few inches of water
3. Insert a steamer basket or what I call a "steamer thingy." Why do I call it that? Because it has a proper name but I don't know what it is. But it looks like the mutant child of a pot and a colander, and has handles, and fits inside your wide-mouthed vessel to use for steaming, draining, whatever. I recommend a steamer basket, but you can use whatever you want; the artichoke police won't come to your house and take it away.
4. Take your artichokes and snip off the little pointy things at the top of each leaf with a pair of shears.  Use a big knife, and cut the stems off. According to Alton Brown, non-woody stems can be cooked along with the artichoke and are almost as good as the heart. I have not tried this, so if anybody wants to cook a few stems and tell me how they are, that would be awesome.
5. Arrange your artichokes (usually people do about 4 at a time) in the steaming device, pop on the lid, and put over medium heat for 20-30 minutes, or until tender.
6. Procure tongs.
7. Remove artichokes from vessel.
8. Prepare dipping substance. There is a large debate over the best dipping substances, but here are the ones I've seen:
Mayonnaise
Mayo + Mustard
Hollandaise
Melted butter (in my opinion, this is the best one)
9. Eat :)
How to eat:
1. Lift leaf from artichoke
2. Dip in dipping substance
3. Hold so that the leaf is curving down (if you put it on your plate it looks like a little tunnel and not a half pipe).
4. While maintaining curve, place leaf on your bottom teeth, and slowly drag across to scrape off the white stuff and dipping substance.
5. Repeat for pretty much every leaf. When you get to the point where there are only a few leaves left and there is a cone-like shape, stop! Because the humble artichoke is, as are many foods, a flower-bud. And inside? A flower. Cut into it, and you will see the fuzzy part appropriately called the "choke." As my grandfather says, "If you eat it, you will indeed choke." Cutting into this, of course, is purely for science.
6. What you should do is grab the base of the leaf-cone, and twist off. This will leave you with a small disk with a white thingy on top. This has got to go. Get a butter knife (or, now that I think about it, a grapefruit spoon) and cut around the white thing. This will reveal some fuzzy stuff, which you must also remove.
7. After all that labor, you get a grey disc. This is the holy grail of artichoke fans everywhere, and it is essentially the concentrated form of the stuff that you have been scraping off the leaves. Slice it up, dip in dipping substance, and savor. Because if you don't savor it, you need to disassemble another one.
Of course, you can always cheat and get canned artichoke hearts. But they aren't nearly as good, now are they?

Now excuse me, I need to go eat one of these.

My Review: Microwave Omelet Maker

I like omelets. I hate making them. Here is the process as I see it:

1. Mix eggs

2. Pour eggs into pan

3. Realize you forgot to grease the pan

4. Remember you are using a nonstick pan

5. Watch it cook

6. Wonder how long you should let it go before you add toppings

7. Just give up, add toppings now and hope it works

8. Scramble around for a spatula

9. Break the omelet in an attempt to flip it in half

10. Stare at the gooey mess on your plate with confusion

11. Poke it. 

12. Nibble a little piece to see if it's edible

13. Decide you don't want to waste 15 cents worth of eggs and eat it even though it's awful

We got a microwave omelet maker a little while back. When I first saw one, I thought it was a semi-circular sandwich holder. Maybe it's a taco holder. Weirder things exist! It's small, white and has two little compartments. I sat there for quite a while wondering how on earth this thing would make eggs in the microwave, and the instructions were dirt-simple. Mix 2 eggs and some water (there was a specific amount, but I forget), pour half into each part, and cook an high for about a minute. Then you take it out, stir it, be amazed that this thing is actually cooking, and repeat the process several times with different cook times (see your own instructions for specifics). Add toppings, close the compartments, and cook a little bit more. Pull it out, slide it off, and tah-dah! Out comes a cute little omelet.

Considering getting one? Here's what to look for:

Strong, durable plastic

Lock that will lock tightly and unlock easily

Dishwasher safe

Pros: 

• easy to use
• fast- done within five minutes
• nonstick- no little egg bits for you to scrape off
• dishwasher safe
• good for a quick meal

Cons:

• eggs may discolor a bit (mine were grey in places but tasted the same throughout)
• slightly dry texture
• requires fairly constant tending 
• not practical for more than 2 servings

The Bottom Line:

While it definitely will not replace a good pan and some skill, this is a great tool to use if you need a quick meal or an alternative for a picky eater. 

What it looks like

Biscuits and Bagels and Monday, Oh My!

Happy March-day everybody! (is that a word? march-day?)

You love them, I love them, everybody loves them. The flaky, fluffy, buttery bits of joy that are biscuits! Mondays are awful, so I whipped up a big batch last night in hopes to improve them. They could fix anything, in my opinion. I brought them in, and my friends and I ate them at lunch. You could hear the drool from everyone who saw the big ziploc bag of yumminess. I don't know how it went in the cafeteria, because I had to go to a meeting about politics. Fun. Guess what? Half the people at my table have anticonsumptionofbiscutsitis. But people who don't sit at my table were happy to finish them up. If you don't have the horrible disease my friends do, I've got a recipe guaranteed to add a bit of homespun goodness to your monday:
2 cups flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup cold butter, cubed
2/3 cup milk (you could use buttermilk, but I used 1%)
1 egg, lightly beaten
1. Preheat oven to a warm, toasty 400 degrees
2. Sift together the flour, baking powder, and salt. I whisked them together because I don't like sifting, so I whisked them. You could sift if you want.
3. Cut in the cold butter with your fingertips. Yes, your fingertips. You're going to get dirty, but don't worry. It's for the good of the food.
4. Get your sacred spoon. You know what I mean, that one wooden spoon that tackles anything and everything. Got it? Good. Pour in the milk, and mix it all up into a big ball of, well, goo. Be sure to mix in as few strokes as possible, lest you create the elastic, plastic, structure called gluten. (dun dun dunn...) Ever had a nice, chewy, french loaf? You have gluten to thank. Ever had a disgusting, tough biscuit? (Yes, bad biscuits do exist... It's sad but true) You have gluten to blame.
5.  Roll out the dough on a lightly floured countertop about 1/2 inch thick, and cut out as many circles as your pastry ring can make. For pastry rings, you have two options: pastry rings and clean tuna cans with the top and bottom cut out. They cost the same, but one comes with tuna. One Doesn't. You make the choice. I used the cap from my cooking spray.
6. Put the circles on a lightly greased cookie sheet and brush with the beaten egg (you could go without the grease, but you don't want to risk sticking after you've put all that work in), or a cookie sheet with a piece of parchment paper on it. No, not the parchment they use in Harry Potter, paper impregnated with silicon, guaranteed to be nonstick. You can find it in most grocery stores these days right next to the tinfoil, plastic wrap, ect. I'd love to take you on a long, loving tour of each and every one, but that's another blog post. For another time.
7. Bake for 12-15 minutes, and use the time to clean up that big mess you probably made.
8. Take out, and eat immediately. Or take to your friends to brighten up monday.

Okay, has anybody else seen those green bagels at Stop & Shop? Raise your hand. Come on, do it. I see you, you, and you. Hey you! Green pants! Raise your hand. You've seen these. My baby sister was eating one this morning, and when she cut into it, I was greeted by a play-doh green circle of confusion. Seriously! It looks like play-doh. My other sister said that they were just plain bagels and green food coloring, but for me, that's just too boring. I wonder what Saint Patrick's day flavored bagels would taste like...

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